Being a Bag Lady: a how-to

I discovered something amazing on my visit to Chicago last weekend.  Certainly, I learned that it is a very, very long drive from central Minnesota to Chicago.  I learned that asking my mother to find change in my maze of a wallet in order to pay a toll while other cars stack up in line behind us is never a good idea.  (We now owe the state of Illinois 15 cents.)  I even learned there are actually people who buy those gallon-sized plastic gas station coffee mugs, and, yes, they do look like Meth addicts when they come to fill them up.

These were all great lessons of course, but the greatest lesson to come from my trip to Chicago was this: Living out of a purse is not as difficult a feat as one might imagine.*

*Provided the purse-dweller is relatively prepared, the purse is very, very large and the period of purse-dwelling is relatively short.  I cannot speak for lifelong bag ladies.

Jukebox the Ghost

Of course, this was not a feat I decided to attempt simply on a whim; I had many ambitious goals for my trip and the act of purse-dwelling became a means to an end.  My first goal was to see the fantastic and brilliant Billy Elliot the Musical at the Ford Oriental Theatre with my Chicago-suburb dwelling friend Emma.  I thought about linking you to some sort of youtube video, but came to the conclusion that it was just not the same as seeing the whole show.  It's set in London, so I'm hoping it'll be on the list of shows we see when I'm there for study abroad in January so I can see it again.

This brought me and my super-purse to about 10:45 at night in the city, where Emma and I hopped a Wrong Train to see a free Jukebox the Ghost Lollapalooza after-party show at Bottom Lounge.  Discovering we were on the Wrong Train, we took some directions from strangers to take the Go Back and Start Over Train, which we followed up by taking the Right Train in the Wrong Direction.  Getting off quickly upon realizing this, we hauled our monster purses off of yet another train and finally boarded the Right Train in the Right Direction.  Having missed both of the opening acts, we met up with my other Chicago-suburb dwelling friend Jenna and promptly began to rock out.  (Is it even hip to say that anymore?)

Leaving the show around 2am we learned that our train was not, in fact, a 24 hour line and split a taxi to the condo Jenna's family had rented in the loop.  Here Emma and I slept on chairs/couches/the floor and successfully lived out of our super-purses.  In the morning, Emma caught a Right Train in the Right Direction home.  I continued my purse-dwelling existence, joining Jenna and a friend of hers for an awesome day at Lollapalooza.  To be uncharacteristically brief, highlights included:

Arcade Fire

• eeek!  It's raining!!  To Walgreen's for ponchos!
• my delirious phone lazing about uselessly in a humid, pathetic daze
• finding my friend Ethan in spite of my soggy cellular
• the sun.  the crazy, crazy, beating, burning sun and the unfairness of men being allowed to wander about topless whenever they so desire without attracting creepers
• Company of Thieves, Mumford and Sons, and Arcade Fire
• making shrinky-dinks necklaces and recycling to earn free Lollapalooza t-shirts
• Jenna's friend passing out during Arcade Fire
• the miraculous recovery (for the most part) of my cellular device
• and finally, a late-night train station reunion with my family and the sorry end of my wonderful purse-dwelling days

To other potential purse-dwellers, I offer these handy hints!

Our purses getting in on the classic Chicago pose.

Go skimpy.  So what if you look like a hooker; the smaller your clothes the better they will fit in your purse.  This strategy may work better on a hot day at Lollapalooza than in other situations, but I still recommend it.

Pack a razor if you want to, but make it disposable.  Not everywhere you go will be thrilled that you have this highly lethal object in your possession.  You don't want to lose something expensive if the time comes that you are forced to part with it.

Having dirty underwear in your purse can keep the purse checkers at the gate from finding your granola bars, but only if you don't mind putting dirty underwear on top of your food.

Put your purse down at every opportunity.  No, don't leave it places and definitely don't let it out of your sight, but you don't want back problems either, do you?  Straddling your purse while watching Mumford and Sons is a perfectly acceptable way to free your arms to clap along or to allow yourself to jump up and down at the appropriate times without clobbering your tightly-packed concert neighbors.  Just don't let any assholes drop their cigarette ashes into it.

Have you ever lived out of a purse for more than 24 hours at a time?  Let me know if these tips are helpful, or if you have any more you'd like to share. I'm very curious to hear if anyone else has ever attempted this.